I hate process.
I used to hate change. All change. I used to be terrified of anything outside of my comfort zone. I established a happy little land where I understood everything and guarded those walls fiercely. But alas, despite my best efforts, the walls came tumbling down.
And God in His great mercy foiled every attempt I made to rebuild a comfort zone. My self-imposed limits of ‘this far and no farther’ were getting in the way of His plan for my life. So while I have a safe home base, my mind is now pretty much wide open to the possibilities God may have for me.
I’m not as afraid of things being different now. I can embrace different. I’ve grown quite adept to adjusting to new normals.
It’s not the actual change (noun) that makes me nervous anymore. It’s the changING (verb). The bleepity-bleeping PROCESS. The learning curve.
I’m good with where I am. I’d be better with where I’m going. But I DO NOT LIKE the process of getting there.
And here’s something I’ve learned: God LOVES process. The process is HIS FAVORITE PART. And because He’s God and He makes the rules, He always wins.
And on the eight day, God said, “Let there be PROCESS.” (Okay, that’s not in the Bible. But He could have said that. I think He says it over me every single morning when I wake up.)
And I think most people are like that. You hear people say they don’t like change. But I think more often than not, it’s the process that is most intimidating to them.
I want to lose weight and take care of myself, but I don’t like change.
I’m miserable in my job, but I don’t like change.
My marriage isn’t what it should be, but I don’t like change.
I want to be closer to my kids, but I don’t like change.
I’m lonely and miss seeing my friends, but I don’t like change.
I need to make time for my hobbies, but I don’t like change.
I’d really like to heal from some old wounds, but I don’t like change.
And what they mean is, they want those things to be different in their lives and they know things would be better if they did change. But they’re not willing (yet) to go through the PROCESS. I totally get that.
When I was in a sorority in college, I did not enjoy the rush/recruitment week. The first year going through it was nerve-wracking, but still fun. But then on the other side, on the INside, it was painful for me.
We were choosing who we wanted in and who we wanted out. A group of 90+ sleep-deprived college girls wrestling through who we liked the best out of the fresh-faced wide-eyed little freshman. It didn’t feel good.
We had structure in place to keep it more objective and that helped a lot. But inevitably things would start to get emotional. How could they not?
There was one girl in my pledge class (who is still a good friend of mine) who was the voice of reason when things looked like they might unravel. She’s tall and commanding, with a compassionate heart and a practical mind. She would stand up and remind us, “Y’all, we’ve just got to trust the process. The process got us all here. It works. Let’s just trust the process.”
And we did. And she always ended up being right. Every year it worked out just the way it was supposed to, even though it may have been different than what we thought we wanted. In the end, we were always thankful for the process.
Often when I dare to approach making a change in my life, I throw myself into it with everything I’ve got and end up burning out quickly. The idea is to get from Point A to Point B as quickly and painlessly as possible and to eliminate the need for process.
I have yet to have any kind of lasting success with this approach.
I was in a conversation with a coaching client earlier this week and we were discussing his goals. One was getting healthier (eat better, exercise regularly, etc). He said, “I have a gym membership and everything. But my problem is I’m either all or nothing. I’m either doing nothing, eating junk on the couch. Or I’m eating SUPER healthy and working out all the time.”
I smiled knowingly and said, “And it’s not sustainable.”
“It’s not sustainable,” he agreed.
The truth is, no matter how much motivation we begin with, any lasting change takes time and, dare I say it, process.
I’m a big fan of finding ‘third ways.’ So often we feel like we have a choice between only two options. It’s either THIS or THAT, couch potato or gym rat, junk food junkie or Gwyneth Paltrow, helicopter parent or neglectful deadbeat, workaholic or slacker.
Some things are black and white. But most things are varying shades of gray and I’m finding more and more that there is usually a third option (and sometimes even more!).
And here’s one of the best third ways I’ve learned so far: There is great power in small changes.
Small changes are doable, less intimidating, easier to start and MUCH easier to sustain. Allow God room to work His beloved process of growing us. That’s a win-win.
This applies to so many areas of life: health, relationships, spiritual growth.
Here’s an example.
I was puttering around Facebook one day and came across that video about the Navy Seals and how they’re required to make their beds perfectly every morning while they’re in training. Perfect, as in, for INSPECTION.
Seriously? With all the energy those guys expend every day, we have to bore them with making their beds? Don’t they have a lot more important things to do?
The big dog Navy guy they were interviewing explained that it started their day with a sense of accomplishment and positive momentum.
I grew up making my bed every day and never planned on doing it ever again unless company was coming over. But then I heard that the NAVY SEALS do it. So I took the challenge.
One day before I left for work, I made the bed. Smoothed out every wrinkle. Arranged the pillows just so. I surveyed my work and was convinced it would pass inspection if a Navy Seal happened to drop by.
But with the bed looking so nice, the shoes strewn about on the floor and the books and papers piled messily on my nightstand didn’t really match. So I did another minute or two of straightening and got on with my day.
Later that afternoon, when Brad got home from work and went upstairs to change, I heard, “Oh wow, babe. It looks GREAT in here.”
“Really?” I walked in to see what the big deal was. “I just made the bed and picked up a few things real quick.”
“No, it looks so nice. The whole room looks different. It looks…relaxing. And pretty. It makes me happy.” Then he kissed me. “Thank you.”
Whoa. Didn’t expect THAT kind of reaction. Didn’t expect much of one at all actually. I probably spent a total of four minutes making the bed and straightening up. Cost me nothing. And it made him that happy. Well, dang. I can do that.
So now I make the bed every day. It’s a small change that pays big dividends in my husband’s heart. That small change ended up accidentally triggering a process of investing in my marriage. Who knew?
Made me wonder what other small things I can do that would cost me next to nothing but might mean the world to someone else or might lead to a big change in my own life.
Maybe when starting a new exercise regimen, I don’t try to exercise for an hour every single day. Maybe just 30 minutes two or three times a week.
Maybe when wanting to eat healthier, I don’t decide to cut out ALL CARBS AND DESSERT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Maybe I’m just more aware of food choices during the day and save desserts for special occasions.
Maybe when it comes to investing in my family, I don’t commit to an hour of face-to-face emotional bonding with each family member each day. Maybe I just make sure everyone gets a kiss goodnight before they fall asleep and take advantage of opportunities for quality time when they present themselves.
Maybe when I want to be intentional about my faith, I don’t start getting up an hour earlier every day to read the Bible and pray. Maybe just 15 minutes to start with. Or try praying in the shower or on the way to work.
Start the process, and start small. Sometimes it’ll work, sometimes it won’t. When it works, your confidence and momentum will begin to build and you keep moving forward. When it doesn’t work, give yourself grace and get back on the wagon and/or make adjustments.
God loves process. And He doesn’t just ASSIGN process, stand back and wait to inspect our work to make sure there are no wrinkles. The God of the universe who spoke all things into being, who’s got the whole world in His hands, walks through each step with us.
He loves process because it’s good for us, it grows us, it teaches us. But the other reason even dearer to His heart is because it’s something we can do together.
And THAT’S the ULTIMATE win-win.
