Tribes 2

And the tribe continues to expand.

I’m sitting here in the guest room of Brad’s brother’s/sis-in-law’s house listening to, well, Brad snoring, and the early stirrings of my nephews as they try to drag themselves out of bed to make their tee time at the golf course.

Another wedding tomorrow. This time I sit on the groom’s side. Brad’s oldest nephew, John, is marrying Carson, his high school sweetheart. She’s been around about as long as I have, so I honestly don’t remember this family without her. She’s already in.

This family doesn’t really have many hoops you have to jump through. Any significant others, even the kids’ friends who get invited on beach trips are just…IN. First, as most importantly, Brad’s mom will friend/follow you on any social media account you may have. And you automatically have an open invitation to anyone’s home, even if you’re just passing through town WITHOUT the family connection.

(And then, of course, when the teenagers break up, the ex-boyfriend/girlfriend is out as quickly he/she was in, depending on how the family member feels. If the family member says they’re in, they’re in. And if the family member says they’re OUT, well, they’re VERY out. No questions asked. And I appreciate that loyalty. As it should be.)

Brad is officiating the wedding so we had John and Carson down to Orlando for the weekend for some pre-marital counseling. The goofy nephew I had seen with his cousins at holidays or summer vacations transformed into a MAN almost in front of my eyes.

(They all LOOK like men now, to be sure. But this kid-no-longer has his shit together. I was and am VERY impressed, but not surprised. This family is full of rockstar kids, which is why Caroline fits in so well.)

John and Michelle (parents of the groom) picked me up at the airport just before lunchtime yesterday, as I made my what-is-becoming expected trip up early to help with the last-minute stuff and provide moral support for the mama.

Michelle and I have ended up close friends and very-much sisters. I was remembering something Sydney and I were laughing about recently.

“You people are nuts,” I told Syd. “Seriously, this family is crazy.”

She laughed and wisely pointed out, “Hey, I was BORN into this family. I didn’t have a choice. YOU MARRIED IN. You CHOSE this. What does that make YOU?”

I busted out with fresh giggles. Nuts. Maybe even crazier than they are.

“Michelle!” I exclaimed. “We OPTED IN to this madness! What is the matter with us? And Carson is about to do the same thing!”

Well, come on in, girlfriend. And bring some chips and margaritas while you’re at it.

The families of the bride and groom have already melded seamlessly and tomorrow will make it official. It’s been nothing less than magical to watch.

And that’s the thing about tribes. They’re family BY CHOICE. Also by blood, in some cases. But the implication is a decision to join and be accepted by a team.

What I’m starting to realize is that marriage is not a one-time decision you stick by forever. It’s a daily, sometimes hourly, renewal of your vows. Even after the rings are on and the papers are signed, you choose each day what kind of relationship you’ll have.

High road or low road. Forgiveness or grudge. Kindness or judgment. Careful or careless. These marriage vows are made moment to moment, in the HEAT of the moment. And your marriage must be strong enough to endure the forging flames.

But of course, God knows what He’s doing.

The original decision is His. This person will bring out the truest version of this other person, expose them to the fire of sanctification, burn away the dross and reveal the gold so pure, God can see His reflection in it. Two precious metals, sanctified by grace, trials and tribulation, melded together. Forever. As one.

And ‘happily ever after’ is not accomplished AT the wedding, as Disney movies and fairy tales depict. ‘Happily ever after’ BEGINS at the wedding. From there, you fight for it.

Brad and I have a no-holds-barred approach to premarital counseling. Both of us wounded and seasoned veterans, we entered our second deployment with eyes wide open. And while it leads to sometimes tricky conversations about money, kids, families of origin, etc. we unapologetically point out areas of concern and potential difficulty in the budding marriage. Because nobody makes their best decisions when they’re caught off guard.

And I love this new tribe. More parents and grandparents. Two more sisters to adore, two brothers I have no idea what to do with and the next generation coming up before my very eyes.

I chose this. And I continue to choose it every single day.

Love you all. Congratulations, John and Carson. We love you and are so happy for you. And when the going gets tough, choose the other person again and again and again.

And know that your tribe is backing you up, choosing both of you, every single day.