As you may remember, I completely threw my back out this past January.
It was Monday, January 4. The first day back to work/school after Christmas Break. My 2016 goals were set and I was ready for a triumphant return to the real world.
Instead I ended up completely incapacitated for a solid week. So much for starting 2016 with a bang.
Apparently, throwing your back out is a pretty common thing. I saw a number of doctors the first two days of my injury and they were all very familiar with what was happening. It was easily the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life so I was certain I had a herniated disc at best.
But the doctors knew it was just a matter of time. One doctor even walked me through the recovery period step by step, day by day (and his predictions proved extremely accurate). So I got lots of painkillers, muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories and instructions to just take it easy and wait it out.
And for the record, I do NOT like waiting things out.
Once I realized that my recovery would be a matter of weeks, possibly months, instead of days, I quickly dialed my eating back to Weight Watchers status. I was up a little from the holidays anyway and jogging was suddenly out of the question indefinitely. And if I kept eating like I was jogging when I was not, in fact, jogging, well, it wouldn’t be long before I felt it in my jeans. And let’s be honest, if I don’t have my jeans, I don’t have anything.
It was a long, slow recovery, but by early to mid-March, I was starting to feel like moving again. The jogging buzz had long since worn off, but I HAD to do SOMEthing.
I wasn’t naïve enough to think that after two months of inactivity that I would be able to jog my usual 30 minutes. So I reverted by to my trusty Couch to 5K app. I looked at the completed track from a few months before and sighed in disappointment.
I took the little cursor and scrolled it back to about halfway through the program. I mean, I knew I couldn’t do a full 5K, but surely I could pick back up to somewhere in the middle.
Week 5. Yeah, that should be fine. Warm-up walk then jogging intervals of 3 and 5 minutes with short breaks in between. No problem.
Yeah, not so much, it turns out. I was (barely) able to complete the workouts, but my heart, lungs and legs were confused and PISSED. Frankly, so I was I. Had I really backslid that much?
After a couple of difficult workouts, I was terribly discouraged. I remembered how good I felt back in the fall when I finally finished the program and was easily running 30 minutes about three times a week. Over Christmas, just to see how long I could go, I actually ran a whole hour.
Well, that was fun. But I guess it’s over now. Stupid back injury. NOW I can’t do ANYthing.
Well, that’s not really true.
It was cool while it lasted. I guess I’m not a real runner after all.
Um, you don’t have to completely give up, you know.
Too bad I just bought those new running shoes. What a waste that turned out to be.
You know, you could always…
Don’t say it!
How do you know what I’m going to say?
We’ve been together for a while now. I know where this is going.
Then why don’t you just go there yourself?
No, not gonna happen.
Why not?
It’s embarrassing. It’s admitting defeat, failure.
Seems to Me like hanging up your running shoes is admitting failure.
Well, I can’t run anymore! What do You want me to do? Wait! I take it back! Don’t answer that!
Start over.
[BLEEP] I knew You were gonna say that.
And I knew YOU were gonna say THAT.
Sorry.
Starting over was never an option in my mind. I knew I couldn’t be back where I was right away, but I sure wasn’t going back to square one. It would be like the whole first round didn’t count for anything. I’d rather just fold, turn in my runner card and talk about how I USED to run but then I hurt my back.
But of course, God didn’t leave it alone. (He can be obnoxiously persistent when He’s trying to make a point.) And of course, it wasn’t really about running at all. He was going after something bigger.
Because I’m not the only one who hates the idea of starting over. And usually the stakes are much higher than mere ego.
One of Satan’s favorite things to do is give us permission to give up. He feigns deep concern and caring for our wellbeing. Not wanting us to go through anymore struggle. We tried. We failed. No need to keep wearing ourselves out and beating ourselves up.
And underneath all that rationalization is the sense of finality that comes with blowing it. It’s too late. It’s over. There’s no going back now. What’s the point?
I knew a woman who had more than one extramarital relationship over extended period of time before it all came to light. We were having a conversation after it all came out and I asked why all the ‘agains.’
(SO not coming from a higher horse or moral superiority. I’m a prayer away from ruining my life at any given moment and I won’t even pretend I haven’t made terrible decisions in the face of temptation.)
She looked at me with empty eyes and gave a defeated shrug, “I had already blown it, you know? I was already a cheater. At that point, what did it matter?”
Her response was heartbreaking. But unfortunately, it made sense to me.
I heard once that 70% of alcoholics require at LEAST two stints in rehab. I wonder how many addicts give up after their first attempt. In their minds, they had one shot at freedom and they blew it. They tried. It didn’t work. And they resign to remain prisoners to their addiction.
Because no one gave them permission to start over.
Maybe you were a dedicated follower of Christ but at some point, either suddenly or gradually, you fell away.
Maybe your finances were destroyed in a bad investment or shaky economy and had to declare bankruptcy.
Maybe you’re an addict who fell off the wagon. Again.
Maybe you lost your home and all your belongings in some natural disaster.
Maybe your marriage ended in death or divorce.
Maybe you were let go from a company that employed you for years.
Maybe you were on track for getting healthy and you missed a couple workouts, indulged in a couple cheat days and never got back on track.
Maybe you’ve lost the ability to see, hear, walk due to a catastrophic accident or illness.
You’re looking back thinking one or more of the following:
So was all that for nothing?
I had come so far, accomplished so much.
And now it’s over.
It’s gone.
I blew it.
It’s too late.
It’s been too long.
What’s the point?
Can I say something with all love and compassion for your current situation?
Start over. Start all over again. I dare you.
It mattered. It counted. It all counted, I promise. As Saint Josemaria Escriva says, “So you have failed? You cannot fail. You have not failed; you have gained experience. Forward!”
The IT guy at one of the places I used to work regularly told us, “Don’t call me with a computer problem until you’ve already tried rebooting your computer. That solves 80% of the problems. Then if that doesn’t work, call me.”
God is all about rebooting, restarting, rebuilding. It’s a theme that runs thick in the Bible and I could list dozens of examples.
And He doesn’t say, Okay, let Me know when you get back to where you were before and we’ll pick up where you left off. He’ll go all the way back to the starting line with you. And you won’t have to take a single step alone.
And I bet there are still a couple of stubborn supporters in your corner as well, who have been beating down the door of heaven in prayer on your behalf.
So last week, I put on my bleeping shoes, went outside, opened up my Couch to 5K app and scrolled all the way back to the beginning.
Week 1, Day 1
After the warm-up walk, I started jogging in 1-minute intervals with 1.5-minute walks in between. It was humbling, to say the least.
But you know what? It was doable. Still a challenge, but doable. And instead of feeling frustrated and discouraged at the end, I felt confident and strong. It felt so good to be moving again. And I knew I could keep going.
Starting over. It can be intimidating, embarrassing and hard. But we were created for the abundant life. And sometimes, we have to fight for it.
We’ve got one shot at this life, but we don’t have just one shot DURING this life. And just because we’ve blown it doesn’t mean we’re doomed to mediocrity for the rest of our days. THAT would be a waste. THAT would be failure.
But Satan never seems to run out of comforting lies.
In the opening scene of the Passion of the Christ, Jesus is in agonizing prayer in the garden. Knowing full well what’s to come and justifiably terrified, He cries out to His Father and seems to get no response.
Satan is always more than willing to fill in the gaps in conversation. He creeps into the picture and whispers gently,
“Do you really believe that one man can bear the full burden of sin?…No one man can carry this burden, I tell you. It is far too heavy….Saving their souls is too costly….No one. Ever….No. Never.”
Jesus ignores him and continues to pour out His heart in prayer. He is trembling violently, sweating profusely, barely able to speak.
Suddenly, a snake emerges from the folds of Satan’s cloak. It slowly slithers toward Jesus who is facedown in prayer. The temptation of giving up begins to crawl over His folded, shaking hands.
After surrendering His will to His Father’s, Jesus stands. He reaches for a nearby rock to steady Himself. Resolved to His mission, He meets Satan’s confident gaze and without breaking eye contact, Jesus lifts His foot and brings it down hard on the snake’s head, crushing it.
It was settled. His Father’s will be done.
Paul calls Satan the Father of Lies. So when he says it’s too hard, ignore it. Yes, it may be too hard for just one man or one woman to overcome your obstacle.
But you’re not fighting alone.
The resurrection power that brought our Savior back to life is at your disposal through the Holy Spirit.
Pray your guts out, stand up, steady yourself, then crush whatever lie is whispering to your soul that it’s too late and you’ve blown it.
Start over. Start again. Fight for your abundant life. I dare you.
