I sat in my therapist’s office a couple months ago and said, “I feel like I’m right on the edge of a new season.”
She looked at me quizzically. “And what makes you say that?”
I shrugged. “I really have no idea.”
And I didn’t.
But from where I sit now, it’s safe to say that between women’s intuition, gut feelings and the Holy Spirit, I was definitely onto something.
In the past couple of months, the picture I had in my head of what 2016 might look like has been completely erased. Through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, three-quarters of my New Years goals have been declared null and void. And I’m standing here, neck-deep in this new season wondering what the heck happened.
The loss of my grandparents has been a crushing blow for which there will be no quick recovery. (No getting over it, just getting through it.)
I left a job that I was deeply invested in and full of people I love when a restructuring handed me a position that didn’t fit.
My typically outward focus on friends, friends, friends has turned a 180 inward with a fresh, wild love for my family.
And I launched a new business. Me. A small-business owner. Never in my wildest dreams.
As nerve-wracking as all the concentrated change can be, it’s an excellent reminder than in the game of life, the Coach can always call an audible.
Then again, I wasn’t as blind-sided as I have been in the past. I knew change was looming. I just had no idea what that would mean. But the heads up was an interesting new addition. I won’t expect that every time life is about to change directions, but whenever God wants to offer it, I’ll take it.
There’s a fine line between living with purpose/intention and trying to stay in control of your life. And I find myself regularly walking that line.
I have a dear friend who is very, very different from me. We’ve been buddies since college and once we figured out how to be friends with someone who was our polar opposite, we became inseparable.
I remember a conversation we had toward the end of our college days. I was engaged, she was heading to grad school, our toes were on the edge of the diving board and we were about to jump head first into the rest of our lives.
And we admitted through sheepish giggles that we really had no idea what we were doing and I wondered how we were supposed to make all these big decisions.
She said, “You know, there are people who wait until God says GO. And then there are people who go until God says STOP.”
We decided that she easily fit the first category and I definitely belonged in the second. Neither was right or wrong. God created us with different personalities, bends and tendencies. And as many variations of people there are in the world, there are just as many options for God to lead in ways that we can understand.
But the one common thread woven through all the different plans, purposes and people is the command to surrender.
You are not your own; you were bought at a price (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me (Galatians 2:20).
God made me a planner, which is a good thing, considering all the different schedules and moving pieces in our family. I’ve got a color-coded family calendar that I’m more proud of than is healthy. All the dates for the 2016-2017 school calendar have already been entered. And the summer, oh, the summer. It’s a work of art, my friends.
But I would say most life-changing events never make it onto the calendar.
January 4, 2016 did NOT say “Throw back out.” Nor did I have the rest of that week blocked off to recover.
Funerals only give a few days’ notice.
And this stomach bug that my family so graciously distributed to each other while together FOR the funeral was not part of the plan either.
So as beautiful as my calendars are, the white-knuckled grip I try to hold them with is an exercise in futility.
Goes back to the framed text message I have from my truth speaker from years ago, “Open your hand. It’ll be ok.”
My wise friend explained to me that you must hold all things in life in an open hand. Surrendered. If your hand is closed tightly around something you don’t want to lose, it’s not open to something else that God may want to give.
And as Job so poetically and heartbreakingly says, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised” (1:21).
The first half of that verse is easy to say. It’s a fact, it’s a truth of life we have all experienced. But the kicker is in 21b. How many of us are willing to praise His name either way? No matter what?
Those are the kind of people who get a book of the Bible named after them. And if they can pull off those words in all sincerity, they deserve it.
The thing is, from our perspective, it may look like a curveball, a total change of plans. When in reality, from God’s perspective, where all truth lives, it was always part of the story. A plot twist to us. But God is never caught off guard.
And so brings me back to the ongoing debate between my Father and me:
ME: Well, didn’t see that coming.
GOD: I know.
ME: That was weird.
GOD: Not to Me. It was perfect.
ME: How do You figure that?
GOD (smile): Are we really gonna do this again?
ME: Yes!
GOD: Okay, one more time, let’s review. I know everything, you know nothing, relatively speaking. I have numbered your days. I know the number of hairs on your head, brown AND gray. I know your entire life’s story and have woven it perfectly into the Great Story of the Eternity.
ME: Right, right.
GOD: And you STILL wanna call the shots? Really?
ME: Yes, please.
GOD: How’s that been workin’ for ya?
ME: That’s not the point. One of these days, I’m gonna NAIL it.
My family regularly tells me I hold on too tight. Literally.
When I hold hands with Beau and Caroline at the dinner table during the blessing. When Brad and I are sitting next to each other at church or at the movies. Within 30 seconds, they’re trying to wiggle their hands out of my grasp. “You’re squeezing too hard!” they whisper.
Doesn’t surprise me at all. That’s just how I roll. I love these people more than life and I know that our time together is limited.
But someday I’ll figure out the strategy of holding onto God and letting HIM hold onto the things/people I love. He knows just how tight to hold them and exactly when to hold on or let go.
So while seasons change gradually or abruptly, expectedly or unexpectedly, I’ll just keep reminding myself that God never changes or leaves.
And I can never hold onto Him too tightly.
