It’s been an emotionally expensive week.
I heaved a deep sigh last night, almost like I was catching my breath from the past five days or so. Brad asked if I was okay. I told him I was feeling kinda drained. “A lot of heart energy going out right now, you know?” “That’s okay,” he said. “As long as you’ve still got some coming in.” Good word.
As I was falling asleep last night, I was wondering why God picked THIS week for all the extra ministry opportunities. It started with an anxiety flare up on Sunday night and has been touch-and-go ever since. Been oversleeping, missing my daily time in the word. Haven’t been writing much. Just not really feeling on my game.
And then I remembered: Those are God’s favorite times to use me. He’s done it a number of times. Picks the moments when I feel I’ve got nothing to offer and lays the most important tasks in front of me.
One verse I have always loved is 2 Corinthians 12:9. Paul is talking about the thorn in his flesh. Whatever it was, it was something in his life that he felt was getting in his way and affecting his effectiveness.
He never says what it is. Could have been a person. Could have been a physical ailment. Could have been a temptation he just couldn’t master. But he prayed several times for God to take it away. And God wouldn’t. (Don’t you hate when God doesn’t do what you tell Him to do? So annoying.)
You guys know this one. God tells him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”
When God says that to me, I just sigh and nod and rock on. But not Paul. He vows to BOAST in his weaknesses so he can have more of Christ’s power. He claims to delight in hardships and difficulties. “For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Yeah, I’m not quite ready to boast in my weaknesses or delight in my suffering. I know God has used me in the most powerful ways in my weakest moments. But seriously, who wants to boast in their weakness?
Those who want to see God glorified more than they want to look like they’ve got it all together.
Back when I lived in Ocala, probably around ten years ago now, I started a Bible study in my home. It was just me and two other girls at the beginning. Over the next couple years, it grew a little. I think the most we ever had during that time was about five or six, which I thought was plenty.
Then the world ended.
My marriage had been secretly crumbling for over a year and it finally fell apart. Caroline and I moved into a new house. And once I was settled in, the girls showed up for Bible study.
I gave a little speech that first night in the new house. Apologized for keeping my struggles from them, told them what a rough state I was in and even mentioned I may be potentially disqualified to lead given my pending divorce. They would have none of it. So we kept meeting.
In that new season, we started with ten. Ten! It was the most people we had ever had and I confronted God about His poor timing.
“Lord, why on earth would You bring me the biggest group we’ve ever had when I’m at the lowest point of my human existence? I don’t have it. I can’t do it.”
There was a pause and I could almost hear the tender smile in His voice. Because now you’re ready. You’ve got nothing to give and all your well-meaning efforts are out of My way. Anything that happens from here on out will be all Me.
And boy, did He prove that true.
The number of women in my tiny little living room grew from ten to 12 to 15 to 18 to 22. I think the most we ever had in one night was 24. Twenty-four incredible women squished onto the couch and other furniture, with several on the floor, watching Beth Moore DVDs and talking about the word of God.
And I was a basket case. I think I cried nearly every week. But they came around me just like they did with each other. We walked each other through dating relationships, breakups, engagements, marriages, divorces, pregnancies, miscarriages, infertility, births, family crises, job issues. You name it, we lived it.
And somehow the most painful period of my life to date became the one of the most fruitful and contains some of the most precious memories I’ve ever experienced. God is so weird. And just so, so good.
Brad and I got married a couple years later and I moved to Orlando. (I don’t think the girls have forgiven me yet.) Beau was 10, Sydney was 8 and Caroline was 4.
At that time, Beau was playing (flag) football in the fall and baseball in the spring. On TV, choosing between football and baseball is easy. I love to watch football. Baseball is boring to me.
BUT when it’s watching a kid play, I’ll take baseball every time. The bleachers were shaded (thank You, Lord) so there was no need to drag an obnoxious tent up the stairs to save my family from skin cancer.
But what I liked the best was being close enough to see each kid. I quickly got to know all the players by name and connected them with the parents in the stands. And the teams were smaller in baseball than in football. Everybody cheers for everybody.
I was at one of Beau’s games, marveling at how I had gotten that orange ball-field clay out of his white baseball pants. I was still new to this whole sports-mom role (I’ll probably always feel new to it) and was trying to get my bearings. I paid careful attention to how it’s supposed to go.
When your son is up to bat, do you yell coaching advice? Or just cheer? When your kid gets hit with the ball, do you race out onto the field to save your baby? Or grit your teeth, plant your butt on the stands and let him walk off like a man? I took careful mental notes, determined to make up for lost time and get it right.
One of the most poignant moments I remember from those days was a simple three-word cheer offered by one of the parents. A kid was up to bat. The first pitch zoomed across the plate and the kid swung and missed with such force, we could feel the breeze from our seats. The kid tried to not appear rattled, but one dad saw through the façade, clapped enthusiastically and said, “All right, NOW you’re ready! NOW you’re ready, bud! Here we go! You got this!”
I smiled. I knew exactly how that kid felt. And I knew exactly what that dad meant.
When I am at my smallest, God is at His biggest. The weaker I am, the stronger God shows Himself. And I am never more prepared, never more QUALIFIED for ministry than when I have completely blown it and have absolutely nothing to offer.
Gideon knew this feeling as well. The Midianites were closing in on Israel and God appoints the most unlikely hero. God’s pickup line is, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.” (Gideon had been threshing wheat and probably looked around to see what ‘mighty warrior’ God might have been talking to.)
Then Gideon very politely asks a very honest question that we have all asked, “Pardon me, my Lord, but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us?”
He goes on to talk about all the wonders his ancestors told him about, getting delivered from Egypt and all that. So why has God abandoned them to Midian?
The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?” “Pardon me, my Lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.” Judges 6:14.
God picked the least of the family in the weakest tribe in Israel. Even after Gideon gathers his army, God sends most of them home, purposely outnumbering His people in battle. And when they won, there was no doubt Who had done it.
I had swung for the fences and missed. And God whispered, “NOW you’re ready, my girl. NOW you’re ready.”
So I’ve got news for you: If you feel safe from God wanting to use you because you’re a basket case, you just screwed up royally, you’re disqualified by the world’s standards, think again. You’ve just been primed for ministry.
So prepare yourself, mighty warrior. God may be about to ask you for more than is humanly possible. All your failures, limitations and weaknesses have made you the perfect candidate for His plan and purpose. Get out of the way and let Him show Himself strong through You.
It’ll be all Him, just like it’s supposed to be.
