Anybody else just HATE being misunderstood?
Some people are all blasé and confident and if someone doesn’t get them or what they’re doing, they just shrug it off. Not me. I explain and re-explain and over-explain, just assuming the misunderstander cares as desperately about making things right as I do (which is highly unlikely).
This is one of the more annoying side effects of being a people pleaser. I’ve been working hard on this problem for the past few years. I’ve made a little headway, but it’s slow going. Pleasing people was much easier when I was younger. (Probably because I was cuter then.) It’d be nice if the people pleasing getting harder were occurring at the same rate as me learning to care less.
The thinking that trips me up goes like this: If they really understood how much they were hurting me by what they’re doing, they would stop. If they really got my heart on this issue, they’d be okay with it. Unfortunately, that’s usually not the case. I just expend more and more energy on a fruitless mission that leaves me more depleted and wounded than I was before.
You know who was really good at being misunderstood? Jesus. (Okay, He was really good at everything because He’s JESUS, but you know.)
Jesus was misunderstood His whole life, starting before He was even born. He was labeled an illegitimate child. (A hilarious thought to me. Has there ever been anyone MORE LEGITIMATE to ever walk the face of this earth?)
Once He turned 30 and started His ministry, He was CONSTANTLY misunderstood. I mean, He just LIVED there.
His family assumed He didn’t care for them when He spent more time ministering than at home. (His brothers and sisters also questioned His mental stability.)
The church leaders thought He was a blasphemous trouble-maker, trying to destroy the faith they were so desperately trying to protect.
Some people thought He was possessed by Satan (eesh, epic fail) and that was the only explanation for His supernatural powers.
John the Baptist’s disciples thought He was trying to steal John’s thunder, feasting when they should be fasting, etc.
His own disciples thought He was ruining His chances for becoming king by wasting His time with the wrong people.
Not to mention the fact that sometimes He said weird stuff, purposely trying to confound those who He knew would not believe. Clearly, He had no problem being misunderstood. He expected it and even initiated it at times.
He had three years. Three short years to turn the world upside down and light a fire that would burn and spread across the whole world until He came back. He could have spent that entire time trying to defend Himself to people. And even if He had, He wouldn’t have won over everybody.
You know what He did instead of spending all His time trying to explain Himself?
Everything He came to do.
Healed the sick. Taught through parables. Fed the hungry. Broke down racial barriers. Restored dignity to rejects. Cast out demons. Preached the New Covenant. Brought the dead back to life. Fulfilled the prophecies. Gave out assignments. Spelled out the plan for when He was gone. Accepted brutal torture and painful execution. Freed believers from the bondage of sin. Paid our debt in full. Defeated death. Came back to life. Handed out some final directions. Comforted, encouraged and empowered His people. Promised the Holy Spirit. Reminded believers He’d be back for them. Then called it a day and went Home.
Now, where in all that should He have sat down with the haters and tried to explain Himself? Ain’t nobody got time for that.
He was laser focused on His purpose. Some would get Him, some would not. But He knew He didn’t have time to convince His enemies that He was the real deal and they should follow Him. He didn’t beg, re-explain, manipulate or coerce. He took care of His business. All of His affirmation, confirmation, permission and commission had come from His Father. And that was all He needed.
Wonder how much time I spend (waste) circling back and explaining myself to people who may or may not approve of or understand me. I’m not nearly as controversial as Jesus, but I occasionally accidentally step on toes, just like everybody else.
The difference is, those injured toes keep me awake at night and I spend a lot of time trying to make things right. All those extra words, all that extra energy that could be spent on what God put me here to do.
Now don’t get me wrong. We are called to be peacemakers. And spending time and energy restoring a relationship is hardly a waste. But when the misunderstander really doesn’t care to understand and I refuse to move forward until things are okay, I’m giving them way too much power in my life and heart.
Paul defiantly and confidently told the Galatians, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
But that’s PAUL. He was fearless. Knowledgeable. Brave. Sold out. He didn’t give a crap what people thought. (What fun!)
And the sad thing is, I’m not even talking about people giving me a hard time about my faith. NOBODY ever gives me a hard time about my faith. I’m just talking about people disliking me, disapproving of me or misunderstanding me. If I can’t be okay with even THAT, how in the world would I ever have the guts to stand for Christ in the face of TRUE persecution?
So I need to up my game. (Always.)
Refocus my priorities. (Always.)
Clear away the distractions. (Always.)
When God is giving out instructions in His word on how to live and how to be in relationships, nowhere does He say, “And always make sure that everybody understands you, agrees with you and approves of you before you move forward.”
I must free myself from the need to please everyone, the need to obtain approval, and the desperate attempts to defend myself to death when that doesn’t happen.
I’ve always clung to Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
There are three distinct parts to that verse. And I’ve been reading it backward.
I start with “live at peace with everyone.” So in my own pitiful strength I try to force peace (is that an oxymoron?) or fake peace at all costs, for peace’s sake.
Once I figure out that isn’t working, I back up a phrase, “as far as it depends on you.” Then I double down, take full responsibility for fixing things, and make sure I have done or am doing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I CAN to make things okay. (Can you say codependent?)
And often I completely forget the first phrase, “If it’s possible.”
(Sigh.)
Sometimes it’s just not possible.
I’ll repeat that for myself: Sometimes it’s just not possible.
It could be a valued relationship that just cannot be restored without effort from both parties. It could be a relationship that never got off the ground because one party wasn’t willing to engage.
It could be no relationship at all. Just someone you respected and admired and wanted their stamp of approval on your life/ministry. Or just a random critic with a loud voice, a poisoned tongue and an ax to grind.
We are called to love our neighbor (friend, coworker, family, enemy, whatever). But we are not called to be bound to them, nor do they get to determine our effectiveness in this life. Emotionally healthy people are able determine which criticism they will accept, let some criticism just scratch the surface instead of go straight to their heart.
I have a quote from Elbert Hubbard posted on the bulletin board of my Inspiration Station (my spot on the couch where I sit and write every day). It says, “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing and be nothing.” I’m embarrassed to say I’ve spent a great deal of my life that way. Because, you know, if someone disapproves of me, I’ll surely DIE.
I pressed my face against the window, gazing out into the freedom of God’s unfailing love and approval for a long time. I’ve recently cracked the door, tiptoed out onto the porch and sat on the front steps, imagining the solid ground under me and the sun on my face. And one of these days, I’m going to jump to my feet and dance out into the sunshine.
And then, I’ll finally throw off everything that hinders and run my race.
Anybody wanna come with?
