I consider energy to be a precious commodity.
I don’t have unlimited emotional energy so I must be very selective in how I use it.
Some people I know seem to have unlimited emotional reserves and can afford to care deeply and passionately about EVERYTHING. And I’ll admit: I’m often jealous of these people.
That is, until I remember that not everything DESERVES my emotional energy. In those moments, I’m actually thankful for my limits because they force me to be intentional about where my give-a-damn goes.
You can’t be a life coach and spend your days helping others improve their lives without examining your own. And I recently uncovered a HUGE energy drain that I am in the process of repairing even as we speak.
One of the things Brad often says as part of his goodbye to the kids and me is, “Keep it real.”
I’m not entirely sure where that came from. But if I had to guess, I would say it probably started as a joke. It sounds like something a rapper or hippie would say. So it sounds pretty funny coming from a preppy seersucker-wearing Augusta guy.
I actually heard him regularly say it to our (late) bulldog, Herschel. Brad would be walking out the door and he’d call to the massive lounging beast, “Keep it real, Herschel.” As if that dog were capable of anything else. The memory still makes me giggle.
But the truth is, not keeping it real could definitely get me to the point of sleeping 22 hours a day like Herschel used to. (Apparently when you’re a bulldog, the only reason you need to sleep 22 hours a day is the fact that you’re a bulldog.)
I’ve probably heard Brad say it a thousand times over the past few years and not thought anything of it.
But recently, the words have begun to sink in, probably far deeper than he ever intended.
Keep it real.
Because the cost for NOT keeping it real is far too high a price to pay.
As a (slowly) recovering codependent people pleaser, I have had to really push against my native tongue, which is saying the ‘right’ thing instead of saying what I mean/feel/believe/want.
I don’t ever want to tell anybody no. I just want to give everyone everything they want from me. I really tried hard for years and I’ve got plenty of scars to show for it.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I meant well. Just wanted everybody to be happy.
But during that time, I was sending lots of mixed signals. To others and, even worse, to myself.
Something would hurt my feelings, but I didn’t want to be oversensitive, so I acted like it was no big deal while inside, my heart was breaking. And I shamed myself for feeling hurt.
In my younger days, I would feel pressure to go farther physically with a guy than I was comfortable with, but I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings/ego, so I would go with it, internally hating myself the whole time.
I have allowed sin to run rampant around me, hurting those I care for, but not wanting to embarrass them by calling it what it is or potentially open myself up to their judgment.
And who knows how many times I said I was fine when I so, so wasn’t, for any number of reasons, but I didn’t want to make the other person uncomfortable.
I spent a lot of time convincing others I was okay. And I spent equal, if not more time convincing myself I was okay. My inner voice and gut warnings became something I dismissed, ignored and silenced.
I was a liar. A well-meaning liar, but a liar nonetheless. Total lack of personal integrity, hardly ever to my own benefit.
Jesus specifically addressed the importance of simple truth telling at the end of a teaching on the Old Testament’s commands about the importance of keeping oaths.
Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, or it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is His footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. (Matthew 5:33-37)
In the QLT (Queen Lindsey Translation) it goes like this, “You know what? Don’t make oaths or vows at all. Don’t swear by heaven or earth or your life or your mother’s life or anything else. Just say what you mean and mean what you say, to God, to others and to yourself. Anything else is just drama. And we don’t need it.”
We really don’t.
And so I’ve begun telling the truth. To others, even when it’s hard, even when it’s uncomfortable, even when they won’t like what I’m going to say, even if they won’t like ME for saying it. It’s terrifying. But it’s real.
And equally as important, I’ve begun telling myself the truth as well.
That hurt my feelings and I’m upset about it.
No, I am not okay with that and therefore I’m not going to do it.
I’m not fine; I need help.
I disagree with that and I’m going to say so.
Now, to be fair, it IS requiring extra emotional energy to break those old habits and replace them with new, scary ones.
But the trade off is even because of all the energy I’m SAVING by not trying to make something true that just isn’t. I can’t believe how exhausting it was to try to always say and feel the RIGHT thing instead of just saying and feeling the REAL thing, for better or worse.
Real is hard. It’s vulnerable. And it doesn’t always end well.
But you know what’s harder? NOT being real.
In the short term, it feels like the path of least resistance, which seems easier. But over time, you slowly start to die inside. You jettison who really are for who you think you’re supposed to be. And another unique soul God created for a unique purpose fades into oblivion.
One line I hear fairly often from my clients is, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
You know how that happens? By spending years giving the right answers, saying what people want to hear, pretending to feel what you’re supposed to be feeling, saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no,’ ignoring your instincts, silencing the Holy Spirit who has been trying to whisper your identity in Christ to you.
And the more real you are with people (about your feelings, weaknesses, screw ups and vulnerabilities), the more you give them permission to let down their guard and take off the mask that’s been suffocating the life out of them.
Start by telling yourself the truth again. Own your feelings. Don’t be afraid of them. They’re just feelings.
Then start telling others the truth. Open up when the opportunity to connect presents itself. If you disagree with something, you can say so without being a jerk about it. If you don’t want to do something, you can say no with firm kindness.
The world needs you. The REAL you. Speaking truth into people’s lives. Speaking truth into difficult situations. Speaking truth to yourself.
The world needs you. The REAL you. Your heart free and unscripted. Your heart feeling pleasure deeply to bring more joy, beauty and laughter. Your heart feeling crushing pain to create compassion and inspire change.
There is always room for tact, timing and kindness. Just because something is true, doesn’t mean it always needs to be said in that exact moment or in that exact way. Kindness and gentleness are fruit of the Spirit and should be injected into all of our conversations and encounters with others.
But for some of us, tact can become an excuse, a slippery slope to dangerous silence. And waiting for the right time can easily turn into never.
In Ephesians 4:15, Paul refers to ‘speaking the truth in love’ almost as a given or an aside. Some people will use that phrase to bully and badger others with truth, claiming that it’s love that’s causing them to be so harsh. The kindness and necessity of that truth are not examined in tandem with said love.
But only God knows the heart. And if your natural bend is to blurt out truth and do damage control later, start by telling YOURSELF the truth and practice being slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19).
The other end of the spectrum is people who don’t realize that it is love that compels us (2 Corinthians 5:14) to say the hard things and that refusing to do so is actually withholding the love and truth that someone needs.
God recently challenged my professed love for someone with my unwillingness to tell her the truth about something in her life that was hurting her. Compelled by my love for my friend, I rose to the challenge and risked our entire friendship by telling her the hard truth through tears.
I am thankful to say, it was received as it was intended. The situation has not changed, but our friendship remains intact. And if my friend ever wondered about my true love and concern for her, she doesn’t anymore. I have done my part and will continue to pray for change in her life.
We can’t play the Pontius Pilate card and ask, “What is truth?” (John 18:38). We know what truth is. And we must see things the way they are, for what they are, not the way we wish they were or the way they should be.
Living in truth requires great courage. And the only way we can be light in the darkness is to reclaim our soul, protect our emotional energy.
And keep it real.
