It’s in there

I love music.

I’m not particularly MUSICAL, per se. I took piano lessons growing up but really don’t have anything to show for it. I played guitar in college (didn’t everybody?) but my calluses are long gone.

But I’ve always been addicted to music. I think it’s part of the whole ‘auditory learner’ thing. Records, tapes, CDs, MP3 player, iPhone, whatever. Just keep the music going, please.

In the early 90s, Garth Brooks busted onto the country music scene like a bull in a china shop. He looked the part: cowboy hat, wranglers, cowboy shirt, boots. And in his first couple albums, he followed all the country music rules. Decent voice, good songs.

But then, THEN came his third album, Ropin’ the Wind. That’s when the cow patties hit the fan.

In the album was his cover of the Billy Joel song, Shameless. Suddenly, it was on the Billboard country AND pop charts. Unheard of.

As he started getting more and more attention, people would ask him in interviews who his musical influences were. The RIGHT answer is Hank Williams, Sr., Merle Haggard, Johnny Cash.

But do you know who he said? The Beatles. Billy Joel. James Taylor.

And even more infuriating to his critics were his concerts. I was lucky enough to have phenomenal seats when he came to Gainesville in 1992 (I think). He did not stand behind the mike, strum his guitar and run through the song list. Nope. He was running around the stage like a madman, climbing up ladders, swinging on hanging cable cords like Tarzan, throwing water from water bottles all over the stage and his fans.

He also created controversy with his music videos. Again, not just him riding horses or slow dancing with pretty girls or singing. He went after issues like domestic abuse, parenting a special needs child, adultery, poverty, war.

And it worked. He broke all of the rules. And we loved him for it.

A couple years ago, my whole family went to Jacksonville for my little sister’s 30^th birthday and we all went to see Garth Brooks on his comeback tour. It sold out everywhere he went. And he was smart enough to play the old stuff. He slipped in a couple of new songs, but he knew why we were there. We wanted to hear the stuff that was 20 years old. And he obliged.

And it had probably been that long since I had listened to his songs. But you know what?

I remembered every. Single. Word.

Where these songs had been residing is beyond me. I’ve researched the brain a little bit, I’ve watched Inside Out. I guess it was in Long-Term Memory somewhere.

But as the audience sang along, all the words to all my favorites just fell out of my mouth with no thought or effort. It was just in there.

The kids gave me a ten-CD box set of his best for my birthday. As much as I love to craft words together, trying to describe hearing the songs again after 20 years is beyond my ability. Playing the tapes on my Sony Walkman in the back of my mom’s van to now playing them from my iPhone in my own minivan with my own kids in the back. Just surreal.

Caroline still lets me sing and snuggle her to sleep on occasion and last night was one of those fleeting, precious moments. I went through some of the standard lullabies like God Only Knows and Come Monday. As she dozed off, I moved into If Tomorrow Never Comes. And suddenly I realized what I was singing with my daughter sleeping in my arms.

Sometimes late at night, I lie awake and watch her sleeping.
She’s lost in peaceful dreams so I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark.
And the thought crosses my mind, if I never wake up in the morning,
Would she ever doubt the way I feel about her in my heart?

If tomorrow never comes, will she know how much I love her?
Did I try in every way, to show her every day that she’s my only one?
And if my time on earth were through and she must face this world without me,
Is the love I gave her in the past gonna be enough to last, if tomorrow never comes?

I fought back the same tears that I wrestled with before we left for Israel. And God moved in quickly:

She may face this world without you someday, My child. But she will never face this world without Me.

I took a deep breath, gazed at my ten-year-old baby who now shops in the women’s section at Target and wears women’s-sized shoes, but still looks like a baby when she sleeps.

Okay, Lord. She’s Yours anyway. She always has been. You’ve got her. You’re in there.

Those songs hit me a lot harder now at 38 than they did at 13.

It never ceases to amaze me what I can remember. I still know all my elementary school friends’ phone numbers. I can still do a couple of the routines from dance recitals. Random bits of conversations and useless information.

I always beat myself up for remembering stuff like that and not being able to recite scripture. The Gatorade commercials tell me ‘It’s In There,’ but I’m not always so sure.

I’ve wrestled with depression/anxiety for about ten years now. Most of the time it’s managed well with medication. But in recent years, my anxiety has reached unprecedented levels and, if not caught in time, can result in a good old-fashioned panic attack. And it’s not fun. For me or anybody else.

I was in the throes of one such meltdown one night as Brad and I were lying in bed. I took my medicine and waited (anxiously) for it to kick in, but my fear had moved into spiritual territory. I knew there was only one thing to do.

“I need you to say scripture over me.”

Brad had been helplessly watching, dying to do something. He jumped up, “Okay, let me go get my Bible.”

“No!” I insisted, reaching for him in panic. “Just SAY it.” (No pressure.)

He climbed back into bed, wrapped his arms around me, took a deep breath and began,

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life…. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and the Spirit of God hovered over the waters…. If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone, the new has come…. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God….”

A few minutes later, my tears had subsided, my breathing had slowed and I rested peacefully in his arms.

“Wow,” he said quietly. “I didn’t realize I remembered that much.”

I smiled in relief and exhaustion, “It’s in there.”

My memory may be littered with song lyrics, old phone numbers and elementary school musicals. But when I accepted Christ, the Holy Spirit moved into my person. And if I would shut up and listen, He would bring to mind exactly what I need in any given moment.

In a worship service a couple years ago, one of our pastors asked us to take a moment and examine our hearts. I cringed. I began cataloging all the yuck and grossness. The unhealed wounds, the addictions, the pain, the anger. Defeat washed over me until God interrupted,

“I’m in here too, My child. It’s not all bad. I’m in here too. And I’m working.”

I smiled. He’s in there. How easily I forget.

I may never understand how my brain works. My memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. And I fully expect it to get worse as I age.

But the timeless, ageless, all powerful, all knowing God resides in me. Not to take over, but to help, to guide, to comfort, to convict. I am sealed unto the day of my redemption (Ephesians 4:30).

And I will never face this world without Him.

He’s in there.