Identity

I’m an enabler.

That pairs nicely with my codependency and is actually probably a common side effect. I just want everybody to be happy. Because if they’re not happy, I can’t be happy.

And the surefire way to make people happy was to give them whatever they wanted.

Or so I thought.

After researching addiction, I discovered that enabling is not such a positive thing. It helps, all right. It helps the addict stay in self-destruct mode and it turns out you can literally enable people to death.

Great.

So I set out to ‘fix’ that part of myself. I read all the books, worked through it in therapy, even attended a Codependents Anonymous group. (Yes, there is such a thing.) I was ashamed of that trait and the pain it had caused in my life and I set out to rid myself of it.

Until one day, God interrupted.

Please don’t try to ‘fix’ who I created you to be. The positive side of codependency is exceptional compassion and empathy. And the world NEEDS that from you. Learn the unhealthy side effects and watch for them. This is a gift that needs guarding, not healing and eliminating.

A couple of verses began to ring in my head.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good… Genesis 50:20

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best… Philippians 1:9-10

So Satan planned to use this trait to hurt others and myself, but God has and will continue to redeem it, if I let Him. And I don’t need to love MORE, I need to love SMART.

Of my many job descriptions, being a wife and mother are my absolute favorites.

I married a really hot guy with a dreamy southern accent with a drive to succeed and provide like I’ve never seen who wears his heart on his sleeve and constantly pursues mine.

And my kids, y’all. My kids. Are you kidding me? There aren’t many nights when I don’t go to bed overwhelmed with gratitude for these three amazing people growing up right before my eyes.

And in true female/maternal/codependent/empath form, I love caring for my people. And ‘my people’ extends far beyond the reaches of my immediate family. It’s incredibly fulfilling, sometimes in healthy ways, sometimes in unhealthy ways. But instead of sitting on my gift until I know I can wield it perfectly, I’ve decided to figure it out as I go and lean hard on God’s grace.

But I’ve learned through both research and experience the dangers of building your identity around other people. While I love being a wife and a mom, those are both temporary gigs.

I will always be a mom, but at some point (if I do it right) I will work myself out of a job and my little chickies will fly the coop, spread their wings and lead their own lives. And while I certainly intend to live to a ripe old age with Brad and simultaneously die in each other’s arms, God’s sovereignty will not be thwarted and my job as a wife may end before I expect.

For many generations, a woman’s role was to facilitate and enable the lives of her husband and children. God had plans for them and our job was to help them realize their dreams and support them in that pursuit.

But, girls, that is not GOD’S highest dream for US.

Before I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, coach, writer, before all those other things, I am a child of God. I am HIS first. And His plans for me go far beyond anything I can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do, Ephesians 2:10.

And we know it, girls. We feel it. A stirring, a restlessness for something more.

When those feelings would come, I used to immediately feel guilty, scold myself for my discontentment/selfishness and get back to taking care of everybody else.

Then I would watch The Lion King with Caroline and Mufasa’s thundering voice to his son would trigger that longing again.

Remember who you are. You are more than what you have become.

Beau and I would settle on the couch with some nachos and watch the final chapter of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and Elrond confronts Aragorn, calling out his true identity.

Put aside the Ranger. Become who you were born to be.

In both of these situations, there was more at stake than just their own sense of self-actualization and fulfillment.

There is more to that verse in Genesis 50 that often gets left off. The complete verse reads,

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

God has placed gifts in me that aren’t just for my own benefit, He has plans for me that aren’t just about me. They’re about many lives.

Wife, mother, yes.

But what else?

God is not interested in my American Dream or my happily ever after (and He’s proven so on more than one occasion). I have a critical role to play in the great story He is writing. And it involves the saving of many lives.

And it starts with embracing who I am, my God-given gifts and abilities and what God wants from them.

I’m not advocating abandoning your family, your home, your job on some quest of reclaiming your lost self. Nope, nope, nope. Woman up and take care of your business.

I’m just saying that none of us were created to play an exclusively supportive role. And if you’re too busy with all of the activities of your husband and kids to discover your own unique gifts, well, something’s wrong.

It’s a delicate balance, you guys. I’m not blind to that. I just know it’s easy to get sucked in by the pressure of feeling like we have to be all things to all people when the truth is, the first Person we must answer to is God.

Hear me clearly: You can find yourself without losing everything else.

In fact, you must.

Your purpose is not solely to enable others to live their callings while neglecting your own. God would not place a calling on your life without providing you the time to pursue it.

I can make time. I can embrace my enabling, codependent self. I can figure out how God wants to use it.

In fact, I must.