Okay, guys, huddle up.
I totally wish we could do this in person. I wish we could discuss this over cigars on my back patio. I would totally set up one of my workshops for you if I thought you would come.
Improving your marriage is rarely high on a husband’s priority list. And that could be for several reasons:
1) Whatever problems you have are not new. It’s just kinda the way it is.
2) Things may not be great, but why kick the beehive?
3) You’ve got bigger things on your radar: work, kids’ colleges, the mortgage, etc.
4) What marriage problems? Everything’s fine.
And hey, I get it. But guys, I’m gonna give you a little peek inside the head and heart of a woman today. I’m gonna break the Girl Code. I’m gonna give you some answers.
DISCLAIMER: I’m gonna paint with some pretty broad strokes here, okay? Obviously, this does not apply to everyone. Every situation is completely different and I would never presume that these ‘answers’ will solve every problem out there.
And yet, in my friendships, in my coaching practice, in life in general, I see certain themes arising. And I thought you guys could use a heads up. I don’t know, maybe even consider heading off some of these issues, maybe addressing them while they’re molehills instead of waiting for them to become mountains.
It probably seems like wives tend to be discontent, unsatisfied and looking for things to complain about. Some probably are.
But in Song of Songs (yes, it talks about boobs and sex, stay with me, guys) the husband is asking his wife to catch the foxes in the vineyard, the foxes that RUIN the vineyard (2:15).
This has been translated a number of ways, but one translation is that Solomon, the wisest guy who ever lived, is asking his wife to keep an eye out for problem areas in the marriage because he knows she would see them before he would.
God designed women’s brains to never stop working. We’re constantly assessing, reassessing, analyzing, gathering information and assigning meaning to it. Yes, it can be annoying (trust me, we know), but it’s also a gift. If there’s a problem in the marriage, the wife almost always knows it first.
Which may be why, according to research done by Stanford sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, 70% of divorces are initiated by the wife. And my friends, it could happen to you. But there are a couple small things you can do to keep the odds ever in your favor.
[NOTE: This is assuming you’re already doing the big things you’re supposed to do as a husband. You know, don’t cheat. Provide and protect (whatever you guys have agreed that looks like in your situation). The basics. Seriously, if you’re dropping the ball in those areas, well, you kind of deserve an unsatisfied wife. And frankly, a kick in a very sensitive area.]
Again, I’m not saying this is all on you. I’m going to be hosting workshops for wives in coming days called Sex, Drugs and Rock’n’Roll. (How awesome is that? You know you want to come. But you’re not invited so tell your wife to come.) In it, I’ll talk about areas in which we, as wives, need to up our game (which we do). But this post is for you. So pay attention.
Here’s the secret: We need your help.
Ugh! It pains me to say that and it probably pains your wife too. We like to pretend (both husbands and wives) that we’re completely independent and we don’t NEED each other. But deep down we know that’s not real. And we hate it. Pride. One of the greatest enemies to a relationship.
We need your help with the logistics of life.
I’m sure you’ve received requests for helping out with the kids or around the house and stuff like that. We don’t like asking for help. We would rather you read our minds (ha!) and just OFFER. But if it comes to the point of us asking for help, please help us without all the huffing, stalling and arguing. I know doing the dishes is not your idea of heroic, but you have NO idea what that means to a tired wife (and, if I may be so bold as to say, what it may mean for you later that evening).
We need your help caring for ourselves.
No, this does not mean suggesting that we exercise more or not eat that dessert. (Just stay away from weight issues altogether, guys. Trust me on this one. It’s a no-win for everybody.) Caring for ourselves is especially difficult for moms. We get in Energizer-bunny mode taking care of everybody else and we forget to rest. We forget to laugh. We forget to read, watch our favorite show, have lunch with friends, recharge. And I think subconsciously, we’re waiting for someone to care for us enough to (lovingly, gently) tell us to slow down, that we’re doing a great job, but we need to love ourselves too.
We need your help caring for our hearts.
This is the big one, guys. Women are adaptable and capable of just about anything. It’s practically a superpower. When your wife married you, she adapted. She changed her identity. Maybe just a little or maybe a lot. But she adapted to fill in the gaps, to be what she needed to be. When she took that job, she adapted again. And when the kids showed up, she adapted AGAIN. Each time, getting farther and farther away from who she really is. No, nobody made her do it or told her she had to. It’s instinctive. It just happens. And it’s fine.
Until one day, it’s not.
One day she wakes up and realizes that she has completely lost herself, lost her voice, given up on her dreams and sacrificed her soul for a life that she’s not even sure she wants anymore, if it’s just going to suck the life out of her.
This is a bad day.
Some of you have been there. Some of you are heading that way and you’re just trying to buy as much time as possible. And some of you are heading that way and don’t even know it.
Here’s my theory on how this happens. Take it with a grain of salt.
Most husbands are taking care of their business, working, providing, knockin’ out those car payments and mortgage, nose to the grindstone. If they start to run out of steam, they take an afternoon off to play golf. They’ll go on a hunting weekend with buddies. They’re actually practicing self care as they go, which is AWESOME, and we wives should take a lesson from this.
And though women are remarkable multi-taskers, for some reason we find it much harder to take care of ourselves. We feel guilty, selfish. We make unnecessary sacrifices and get out of balance. Self care gets knocked to the sidelines by the nurturing instinct we have to care for others.
You guys don’t need someone to TELL you to recharge. If you need to do it, you just do it, and you assume your wife is doing the same. Chances are, she’s not. And yes, that’s on her.
But will being right about that be any consolation to you when you’re sitting next to your sobbing wife on a counselor’s couch? (Some of you just threw up in your mouth a little, didn’t you?)
So back to the whole ‘why kick the beehive’ piece. You spend your entire marriage trying to not tick her off. Why in the world would you GIVE her something to be unhappy about? You make a good point. I’m just sayin’, molehill now or mountain later?
Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25).
I would bet that most guys would gladly take a bullet for their wives over giving themselves up for them in small ways every day.
Christ loved the church when she didn’t know how to love herself. He flipped over tables and violently drove out the junk when she had become something less than what she was created to be. He fought for her when she had given up on herself.
Wanna be the hero? Get there FIRST. Lead the rescue and recovery mission of your wife’s heart.
Remind her who she is, all the things she’s good at, all the things that drew you to her. Suggest counseling FIRST, just for maintenance. (And for heaven’s sake, email me before you make an appointment. There are some counselors out there who should be avoided like the plague.) Nurture her creativity. Insist that she spend time doing something that makes her happy. If she doesn’t know what that is anymore, help her find it. If she’s lost, FIND HER!
He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church (Ephesians 5:28-29).
As I said before, this is not all on the husbands. We wives have fallen down on the job as well, in many areas and I’m gonna address that. (Putting together the workshop for wives now. If you have any suggestions about what should be included, let me know.)
But women read marriage books and drag their husbands to marriage retreats and listen to speakers on how to make things better.
Wanna know why? Because we can see the foxes that are ruining the vineyard. If your wife says there’s a problem, there’s a problem. And by loving your wife in the way that she’s not loving herself, you’re loving yourself and your whole family.
Thanks for hangin’ with me, guys. I hope I didn’t scare you or crap on you too much. With all the marriages crumbling around us these days, I figure we can all use all the help we can get. So do what you want with this information.
And may the odds be ever in your favor.
