Friendship review

This is a public service announcement.

Before a test, it’s always important to review the information. You know, to make sure you’ve REALLY GOT IT when the time comes, right?

Well, we get tested on this subject regularly and frankly, our passing rate is not what it should be.

And there are a gazillion articles on this out there, which tells me it’s a thing.

So today we are going to review the basics of something most would consider pretty basic:

Friendship.

In my coaching practice and in my day-to-day life I continue to meet people who aren’t really sure about how to be a friend to someone else, but REALLY have NO CLUE how to let someone be a friend to them.

And so when someone genuinely cares for them, goes the extra mile or whatever, they’re confused, embarrassed or guilty.

God must really want me to write about friendship this week because in the past few days, I have had repeated experiences showing the importance of true friendship, and the fallout of the lack thereof.

One girl I know needed a ride to go pick up her car. On the way there, she ended up confessing some horrible sins she had recently committed and her absolute terror of the potential consequences.

She finished her opening argument against herself and paused.

“I can’t imagine that you would still want to be my friend after this,” she said, looking down at her lap.

I was stunned. And frankly, offended. But as I looked at her face covered in shame and self-condemnation, I was filled with compassion.

“You’ve never really had someone BE a friend to you, have you?” I asked. She looked up at me blankly. “Giving you a ride, passing on God’s grace, telling you about MY screw-ups, offering to stand with you in this mess. That’s what friends DO. It’s not heroic. This is not me being some amazing person. This is just me being a friend. Seriously.”

As I watched her try to process those words, my suspicions were confirmed. This was new to her. I could also tell she wasn’t completely sure she could trust it and that was fine. Time would tell.

Later that same day, I had a couple friends over for drinks. One is in a particularly frustrating spot. She’s sort of in between seasons, staying with her folks as a stopgap until she makes a new plan.

And we all know this is a fairly common predicament. For many of us, life doesn’t go as planned so we have to double-back to our parents’ house, heal, regroup, save up some money and then move on. It happens. No big deal.

(The only time it can be a problem is when there’s no ‘moving on’ at the end of that plan. Failure to launch and all that. But that’s a different blog post altogether.)

But the feeling of backtracking in life rarely feels good and my friend was feeling embarrassed, claustrophobic and stuck. She was telling us about one evening in particular she just needed to get away.

“But what was I supposed to do? It’s not like I can afford a night at the Hampton Inn down the street.”

The other two of us looked at each other in mutual horror.

“Um, HELLO!” I barked at her, pointing at the other two of us. “I have this whole house, and two of the bedrooms are empty half the time. The other half, well, you take the back cushions off this couch and it’s basically a twin bed.”

Our other friend chimed in, “My roommate’s boyfriend moved out and we’ve got the mattress he used to sleep on. It’s all yours. Any time.”

She shook her head, “Nah, I wouldn’t do that to you guys. It was late at night.”

“SO?!”

We all argued about it for another few minutes. She conceded, but I could tell she would still never take us up on our standing offers.

And as she left that evening, she put three dollar bills down on the dining room table. I picked it up.

“What is this?” I demanded. “A tip?”

She fumbled with her purse, “Well, you bought my dinner. That’s really all I’ve got on me.”

“It was MCDONALD’S!” (Nothing but the best for my friends, I tell ya.)

“Yeah, but you didn’t have to do that. And I drank some of your bourbon.”

Another argument ensued and she was looking weary so I let it go. But as I hugged her goodnight I told her, “You are NOT good at this.”

She laughed. “I know. I’m workin’ on it.”

I went to bed in a huff that night. Why don’t people know how to let people be their friends? Has Facebook completely commandeered the word ‘friend’ and now we think that’s all it means? Is it that whole fear-of-vulnerability epidemic (that’s REALLY starting to piss me off)?

Now, I’m not calling myself some friend expert, by any means. And like many, I find it much easier to give rather than to receive.

No, the only reason I know so much about true friendship is because of the amazing friendships I’ve had in my life. Seriously, for as long as I can remember, I have just won the friend lottery.

Elementary school, middle school, high school, college, LIFE. God has always brought along amazing people to hold me up and help me out, whether I’ve wanted it or not. (I’m honestly tearing up just thinking about them. All of them. What incredible, undeserved gifts. You guys know who you are. Where in the world would I be without you? Okay, quit crying. Keep typing.)

So here are the basics of BEING a friend:

1. Celebrate good times. Remember their birthdays. And don’t just post a birthday shout out on Facebook. Send a text. Take them to lunch. Send flowers to their office (if it’s a girl). Do SOMEthing. You’re thankful they were born. Make sure they know that. If you hear a certain song and it reminds you of someone, call them or send them a text. (I had a friend do this the other day. Hadn’t heard his voice in probably ten years. There are no words for how much it meant to me. I’m still not over it.)

2. Show up during hard times. Don’t wait for them to ask for help. Be obnoxious. Check in frequently via text or voicemail. Go to their house uninvited with cookies, tequila, whatever. If they live far away, take a weekend roadtrip just so they can see a friendly familiar face for 24 hours. Send flowers to the funerals of their loved ones, if you can’t be there in person.

3. Tell them the truth. If you think they’re in an unhealthy relationship, say so (gently). If their job is beating them up too much, tell them you’ll help them find something else. If they’re making bad choices regarding their health, tell them. If they’re straying away from a faith you have always shared, call them on it. Use your words. I hate confrontation so this one is particularly hard for me. But really being a friend is caring more about their wellbeing than your own comfort. Just make sure it’s communicated in LOVE, not just for the sake of being right.

4. Push through conflicts. We’re people. We’re flawed. We have bad days, bad months, bad YEARS. We say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. We say things we DO mean and then later regret. People screw up. But don’t bail on a friendship at the first sign of friction. Get together, talk it out, clear the air and keep going. (This does not refer to ongoing mistreatment, obviously.) Life is too short and true friends are too valuable to walk away from.

5. Put down your damn phone. Spending time with friends is NOT sitting next to each other looking at your phones or texting people who aren’t there. It’s not spending 15 minutes trying to take the most flattering picture to make your friendship known to everyone on social media and making them feel left out. Be present. Really listen. Make eye contact. Be WITH each other.

Now the basics of HAVING a friend (This is a much shorter list, but much harder to actually pull off):

DISCLAIMER: Lest you think I’m some massive hypocrite, let me admit, I still pretty much suck at these. But like the friend I mentioned before, I’m workin’ on it.

1. Ask for help when you need it. I know, I know. You’re independent. You’re tough. You’re strong. You’ve got your shit together. You show no weakness. Can I tell you something, as a friend, in love: GET OVER YOURSELF. Let somebody be there for you, for heaven’s sake. Whatever you’re dealing with is not meant to be done alone. And even if you CAN handle it yourself, do you really WANT to? You may think you’re proving yourself brave but all you’re proving is that you’re too afraid to trust someone else to love you. Stop it

2. Accept gifts/meals/time/whatever. Sometimes your friend may want to pick up the check. THAT’S OKAY. JUST SAY ‘THANK YOU.’ And if you really can’t help yourself, you can add, ‘I’ll get it next time.’ Chances are, you’ve done something for them, or given them something. Don’t be a joy hog. Let them reciprocate. Take them up on offers. Assume that they mean it when they say it. Try trusting someone.

We’ve all been hurt by people. And we will keep being hurt by people, whether we risk truly investing in a friendship or not. But despite what society is trying to tell us these days, getting your feelings hurt is not fatal.

And we’re going hurt people ourselves. We’ll have to apologize, ask for forgiveness, do the work of repairing the relationship. That’s life. That’s sharing life with others. Like the Geico commercial says, it’s what you DO.

Maybe your friendships have been reduced to ‘likes’ and emojis. But those will never take the place of hugs, shared struggles, memories and just generally knowing when you lie awake at night that there is someone (hopefully several someones) just a phone call away who care about you.

I watched that video the other day of that dad and daughter singing the Toy Story song, ‘You’ve Got A Friend In Me.’ I watched it once and just marveled at how precious it was. Then I played it a second time and really listened to the words. Yeah, that writer nailed it:

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles from your nice warm bed
You just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got troubles, and I’ve got ’em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and we see it through
‘Cause you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too, maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It’s me and you

And as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see, it’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me

So let’s up our game, folks. There are too many of us walking around every day not knowing what a real friendship looks like. And I can speak of a multitude of experiences, the impact of having a real friend can literally change your life. No exaggeration.

I know it’s hard. We’re gonna screw it up. It’s a given. But that’s not a reason to give up on the idea. Do the work. Nothing of great value ever comes easy.

We need each other, people. And we all know it. It’s just a matter of who is going to take the first step. May I make a suggestion?

Let it be you.