Brad and I have been married five years today.
Big deal. Five years, you say. You’re still newlyweds.
Well, yes and no. This is the second five-year wedding anniversary for each of us. We’ve had other five-year anniversaries with other people. So that changes things a bit.
I’ve decided that for a second-marriage-blended-family situation, each year should count as three or four. You know, like how in dog years, every year counts as seven.
We may have only been married five years, but we live the life of those who have been married for almost 20. Our kids are 15, 13, and 8. So while our new little family began only 5 years ago, we had to cover a lot of ground fast.
When our oldest two hit growth spurts around puberty, they had to deal with growing pains. Occasionally at night, one of them would tiptoe into our room and timidly request some medicine to make their legs stop hurting. When you grow fast, it can hurt.
And Brad and I have certainly experienced our share of growing pains.
During all my pre-wedding research on second marriages and blending families, I learned that while the widely accepted (though not terribly accurate) statistic is that 50% of all first marriages end in divorce, for second marriages, the likelihood of divorce jumps to 70%.
That surprised me. I thought that second marriages would have a much higher likelihood of making it. You know, you learn a lot when you lose your first marriage. You gain wisdom and experience. You have a better idea of what to look for and look OUT for the second time around. Plus you’ve been through the hell of divorce, you know how bad it is and you’ll do whatever it takes to keep that from happening again.
Yes, you know more. Yes, you’ve got experience. But that’s not always a good thing.
Instead of walking into marriage with wide-eyed idealism, this time you’re going into it with ambivalent, cautious hope.
I think of veterans returning from war who desperately want to re-acclimate to the peace of home, but they can’t undo the damage that was done to their psyche by the horrors they witnessed.
It takes a lot of time and healing to finally get their guards down and trust the safety they’re surrounded by. And during that time, if anything even remotely looks, sounds, feels or smells like war, they immediately revert back to soldier survival mode.
All divorced people live with a certain amount of PTSD. While you long for that connection and oneness, because of what you’ve been through, you can’t help but lie awake some nights and wonder if you’re sleeping with the enemy.
Brad and I looked great on our wedding day. He had a fresh haircut and classic blue blazer and tie. I had on a simple but beautiful J. Crew wedding dress. My friend Hannah had done my hair and makeup, with false eyelashes to boot. We looked like a bride and groom.
But to God, who sees the hearts of men, we looked like two wounded warriors. Inwardly, we were holding onto each other with one hand, with other hand still on our weapon to protect against the potential friendly fire that almost took us out the first time.
And THAT is why the divorce rate is higher for second marriages. Throw in a couple exes, some kids, finances, job changes and moving, and you wonder if 70% divorce rate is a little optimistic.
During our wedding ceremony, we each took a moment to share from our hearts. I wrote out a few things I loved about Brad and read them to him and our witnesses. I ended with this:
And so as iron sharpens iron, I pray that God will continue to use us to make each other better. God’s ways are certainly unsearchable and unknowable. But in His sovereign mercy He has brought you into my life. I praise Him for this priceless treasure and can’t wait to see how He uses this new family to bring Him glory.
I look back on those words and marvel at the prophecy God hid in them. I had no idea how true those words would prove to be in the new life ahead of me.
Back then, Brad and I had about three things in common: Jesus, pain and chemistry. An intoxicating cocktail of feelings that neither of us could resist.
And I experienced our differences enough to know that the friction of our occasional dissent had challenged me, strengthened me and made me better already. There was no reason to think that wouldn’t continue as we built a life together.
Most of us throw around that verse “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17) pretty casually. You know, you brush up against somebody else and your exposure to them makes you more…whatever.
The notes in my NIV Study Bible are vague on this point, so I got out my commentaries, looked up the Hebrew word, discussed the verse with some pastors and rabbis… Just kidding. I Googled it.
I found a great blog by Sharon Hodde Miller who HAD done the research. Here’s what she had to say:
In reality, two blades cannot sharpen one another. At least, not very well. The only way to sharpen an iron blade is to use a tool with a different edge or texture, and that is an important point. Although Christians often emphasize the “like iron” part of this verse–meaning two similarly strong Christians–this verse does not promote uniformity. If a blade is sharpened by resistance, then a similarly smooth blade has little to offer. The iron that sharpens iron must be an entirely different tool.
An entirely different tool. No kidding.
And during that same Google search, I clicked ‘images’ just to get an idea of what I was talking about. There was lots of fire, sparks flying, hammers pounding, metal scraping against the grain of other metal. There was also a picture of two huge stags crashing into each other with their antlers.
Not exactly honeymoon imagery.
But God had plans for us. He needed us sharp and there was no time to waste. Important days were ahead and we needed to be ready.
So the sharpening began.
Sparks flew, hammers pounded, antlers crashed and our different textures scraped each other raw. But what I didn’t know was that God was stoking His refining fire and beginning to forge an entirely new tool with our broken-off pieces, blending our two distinct metals.
I’m an auditory learner. I learn things and remember things best when I hear them. And God knows that. But sometimes He doesn’t want to shout over all the noise, so He shows me something. I wouldn’t call it a ‘vision,’ per se. More like a SnapChat. A picture that passes through my mind communicating a critical truth.
In the middle of one of our impasses, I got a glimpse of Brad and me and what we would look like as a team. The two of us combining forces and using our gifts to bring the Kingdom. The reason God brought us together.
And the one thing keeping us from getting there? Fear.
Satan’s biggest victory to that point had been keeping us afraid of each other. He knew that if we were to ever really connect, we would be an unstoppable force.
God laid it out pretty clearly. We each had two hands and three options we could hold onto. Our weapons, each other and God. We could only choose two. Which two was it gonna be?
Then one day about a year and a half ago, I woke up one morning and I wasn’t afraid anymore. It wasn’t a gradual healing. It was like a light switch.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? … The old has gone, the new is here!
Apparently, we were sharp enough to get started with whatever He had up His sleeve.
And just like that, we hit a groove. We let ourselves sink into the new safety of each other. There was trust. There was affection. There was encouragement. There was laughter. There was hope and a future. (I would say there was chemistry, but somehow, that area never really suffered.)
We were talking ministry, pushing each other into our respective callings. Believing in each other. Speaking truth to each other. Shining light for each other. Breathing life into each other. Praying for each other. (Still have a long way to go at praying WITH each other, but we’re working on it.)
We had gone from painfully sharpening and being sharpened to joyfully spurring one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24).
[Side note: Anybody else wonder why God keeps using sharp metal objects to symbolize the most positive relationships? No warm blankets or teddy bears here. What that says to me is that the best relationships do not have coziness and security as their main purpose. They’re about growth, forward motion and action. God’s Kingdom always takes priority over comfort, in every area of our lives.]
Our personal ministries have yet to fully merge. Maybe they will someday. Maybe they won’t. But we are by far each other’s biggest cheerleaders, passionately pursuing the same goal in different arenas by different means.
Entirely different tools, you know. But one in spirit and purpose.
Despite my wrinkles and graying hair, I can honestly say that mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, this is the healthiest I’ve ever been in my life. And I can also say, as many versions of myself that I’ve experienced, the current version is the me-est me to date. I like this one the best. And I have God and Brad to thank for that.
I never thought I would say this, but I am grateful for those first few painful years of sharpening. Because now we’re ready. Ready for whatever it is God brought us together to do.
And more often than not, I now find my two hands holding onto the right combination of those three options. Not that I don’t backslide and still reach for my weapon on occasion. But most days, I’ve got a white-knuckled grip on God with one hand and the other is tenderly, firmly held by my husband.
Five years may not sound like much, compared to the 15-20 year anniversaries that our peers are celebrating. But these have been five of the most important years of my life. They’ve brought me closer to wild will of God than I’ve ever been.
I’m no longer trying to be nice enough to keep everything happy. I’m trying to be brave enough to keep everything real. Happy is fragile and fleeting. Real is strong enough to stand on.
So today on our five-year anniversary, I renew and reaffirm what I knew in part then but now know in full: God has used us to make each other better. His ways are certainly unsearchable and unknowable. And in His sovereign mercy He brought you into my life. I praise Him for this priceless treasure and can’t wait to see how He continues to use this new family to bring Him glory.
Happy Anniversary, Brad. I love you.
