Resistance is futile

Feelings can be tricky things.

After living with two and then four family members who all have BIG feelings, my (step)son Beau has resolved to live sans feelings.

We were having a conversation about this and I gave an example about how wonderful and then how terrible feelings can be.

“See? Feelings are stupid. I don’t want to hurt like that.”

I rolled my eyes. “But if you don’t HURT like that, you give up all the GOOD stuff too: joy, excitement…LOVE…” I smirked knowing that he had a certain girl on his mind at the time.

He wouldn’t cave. And he (like his dad) is an excellent arguer, full of reason, logic and a cool head. What do I have? Well, I’ve got reason and logic too. But THEN, well, to Beau’s point the feelings get in the way.

But I’m not worried about it. He talks a big game. But that kid is a deep well and feels things hard, when he wants to. And THAT is the kicker: when he wants to.

I don’t have that kind of power over my feelings. Maybe because I’m a girl. Maybe because I’m a mom. Maybe because I’m a writer. Maybe because I’m just ME. And like I said, my feelings are BIG.

You know what else I’ve finally made peace with? Resistance is futile.

Ever tried to NOT feel something? Does that ever work? Yeah, me neither.

Oh, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Anxiety will sneak up on me and as soon as I feel the prologue coming on, I try to slam the book closed. But with me, feelings beget feelings. And the harder I try to not feel them, the quicker they multiply like Gremlins.

I get anxious about feeling anxious.
I get mad that something has made me mad.
I get sad that I can’t hide from my sadness.

The more you fight your feelings, the stronger they become. They WILL be heard. They WILL run their course. And if you get in their way, you will pay dearly.

After years of trying (unsuccessfully) to squash my feelings then finally being overrun by them, they have learned not to even try my head. They go straight to my body and set up camp. I am the definition of psychosomatic.

My number one tell that I was feeling something that I was trying to NOT feel was a nervous stomach. (Look at the wording there. A stomach cannot be nervous. But I can be nervous and my stomach might have to be the one to let me know.)

But now the anxiety has moved to my upper back and shoulders. Several years ago, I spent months trying to figure out what was wrong with them: orthopedist, chiropractor, massage, physical therapy. I took muscle relaxers, painkillers, heat, cold, nothing worked and the doctors were dumbfounded. (Aren’t they supposed to know EVERYTHING?) I was incredibly discouraged and thought I would have to live with the pain forever.

And then one day after MONTHS of making my life miserable, it finally let up. Now it comes and goes. But now I KNOW to not look at my shoulders for answers, but to try to dig out what I might be trying not to FEEL.

Brad told me in our first year of marriage as he watch me try to stuff some feelings, “Look, we can talk about it and deal with it now, or it can come out sideways some other time. You pick.”

I hate when he’s right.

So here’s my new strategy with dealing with negative feelings: Let them be. Let them have their say, lean into them, feel them all the way through and eventually, they pass by themselves.

One of my favorite authors says, “Lean into the suck.” When negative feelings surface, don’t run away from them. Run TOWARD them. Give them room to be present. And once they’ve made their point, they’ll dissipate.

People say:

Don’t cry.
Don’t be mad.
Don’t worry.

What they mean is, “Your negative feelings are making me uncomfortable so I’m going to fix them, for BOTH of our sakes.”

Does that ever work?

I read a meme on Facebook the other day that said, “Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down.” True story.

My favorite part of Inside Out (which taught me more about psychology and feelings than any class I’ve ever taken or any book I’ve ever read) is when Joy can’t fix the problem and Sadness takes over.

Oh my gosh, I used to be Joy in this situation. Distract, distract, distract. Don’t feel bad things. Don’t let other people feel bad things. Make them HAPPY.

It doesn’t work.

The only thing that works is feeling that junk all the way through. And when it has served its purpose, let it go, stand up and keep walking.

Sadness didn’t try to fix it. She didn’t say, “Everything happens for a reason.” She didn’t give any advice at all. She listened. And she validated his feelings.

Like. A. Boss.

Just last night Brad was sharing something that had been bothering him.

“I mean, I know I shouldn’t let that get to me – “

“Why not?” I interrupted. “Why shouldn’t that piss you off?” I handed all his reasons back to him and said, “Be pissed off. That should ABSOLUTELY bother you.”

The feelings did eventually pass, but not because I tried to convince him to resist them.

The same well-meaning people also tell you not to ‘dwell on it.’ Now this is where they’re right. When a feeling tries to leave and you grab onto it to hold on just in case you might need it again, well, that’s the other way you can do feelings wrong.

If you need that feeling again, it will come back. You don’t have to hold onto them for dear life. They come and go as needed. So when they try to go, let them. And trust that they’ll be back when you need them.

How many negative feelings have become monsters in their own right because they’ve been ignored, stuffed or dismissed?

How many aches and pains and upset stomachs have you been dealing with when the real problem is literally in your head?

When was the last time you felt something, exposed it to the light of day, let yourself feel it for a little while (or a long while, if need be) and then let it move on?

How many times have you tried to hold on to a feeling long after its expiration date?

It seems like really simple stuff, like something you would teach a kindergartene

r. But I’m finding more and more adults that weren’t given healthy ways to deal with sadness, anger, jealousy, anxiety.

If an unwanted feeling shows up, it’s only because something unwanted is going on in your life. Make some room for it. Give yourself permission to feel it. Feel every last bit of it.

And when it’s time to let go, you’ll know. Don’t fight THAT feeling either.

As I told Beau, feelings make you human. They make your life real, three-dimensional and full. And if you shut down the bad, you’ll also shut down the good.

And right now, the world can use every ounce of good it can get.