This is a public service announcement.
At some point in your life, you will either get divorced or be close to someone who does. Whether it’s wanted or not, mutual or not, expected or not, deserved or not, it’s excruciating. The two that became one are ripped apart and are left as two bleeding halves. It’s trauma, it’s death, and it changes you.
I was the one who filed for divorce, so it could be argued that it’s my fault. But there are always two legitimate sides to every story and I would venture to say that NO broken marriage is black and white. They’re all varying shades of gray.
And while we’re speaking in absolutes (which is something I rarely do), I’ll tell you something else: Divorce makes you lose your mind.
I’m not just talking about grief, insomnia, loneliness or depression, though those things are certainly part of the equation and should be addressed. I’m talking about a period of time either during or immediately after divorce when you want to do things and actually do things that pre-divorce were so off limits that they never even crossed your mind. I like to call this Post-Divorce Brain Damage (PDBD).
Mine hit swiftly after my divorce was final. Terrifying new freedom, heartbroken relief, a wild rush of unbridled energy crashed over me like a tidal wave. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. I took ridiculous risks with my life and with my health. I committed unspeakable sins that in my mind were only assigned to the most carnal and worldly teenager. And I did all these things while leading a weekly Bible study in my home and being a mother, for heaven’s sake. For a few short, wretched months, I truly lived a double life, with no conviction whatsoever. Absolutely terrifying.
I look back on that time now and, as I choke down the vomit that rises in my throat and try to catch my breath from the crushing shame of it all, I wonder, who the heck was that girl? I had never seen her before and thankfully haven’t seen her since. God gave me over to the desires of my heart, let me scare the crap out of myself, and mercifully jerked me out after just a few months of temporary insanity.
As I wrestled through repentance and restoration, I desperately sought to bury that period where no one would ever find it. A few others were involved in my disasters and there was nothing I could do about them, but I could sure as hell keep the rest of the world from knowing about it. And if I could just forget about it too, that’d be great.
No such luck. It happened. It was real. And God was going to use it.
Occasionally I would come across someone who had been through divorce. I would toss out a couple of coded lines to see if they would bite. And they would. Every single time. Another kindred spirit, another survivor of PDBD. I began to think this could be a thing.
I’m currently helping lead a divorce support group at our church. The curriculum includes lots of experts talking about all the aspects of divorce, how they impact your life, and how to begin healing. I came across this quote by Dr. Jim Talley: “The process of alienation that occurs during divorce destroys your moral value system, and you end up doing things that you never thought you’d do in your whole life.”
I knew it! It’s not just me and a handful of people I know. It’s a THING. It’s universal. We gotta get the word out about this, people.
Again, my season of PDBD started right after my divorce and only lasted a few months. I know people who started theirs mid-divorce, mid-separation. And the length of each season varies as much as each story it’s attached to. I have one friend who has been suffering from PDBD for several years now, with no sign of recovery any time soon and I fear this has become her new normal.
So as soon as I hear of someone going through divorce, I pull them aside and give them the speech. I think it’s important to get out ahead of this disease so when it hits, they’re not caught off guard like I was.
I know you’re in a lot of pain. You can pretend you’re not. Whatever. I know better. You’re in pain. This is a new kind of pain you’ve never experienced, and you need to be ready for what it may do to you. Here are some symptoms to watch for:
- Unexplainable, almost superhuman energy.
- Functioning on little to no sleep.
- Situations and decisions that used to horrify you suddenly seem to make perfect sense and/or feel normal.
- Complete conscience failure.
- Simultaneously living your faith and living in sin, with no sense of conviction.
- Startling lack of financial responsibility.
- Desperate need to feel attractive and wanted (obsessive exercise, hooking up, etc.).
- Substance abuse (excessive drinking, taking up smoking, etc.).
These things are coming for you and you need to be ready. Get three or four really good friends and tell them about this. Enlist them as designated drivers and accountability partners. Give them your limits, that when you reach a certain level of depravity or a certain amount of time passes in this state, they are to step in with an intervention.
This disease may not be avoidable, but you need to get through it with no permanent damage. Do not get any tattoos. Do not get any STDs. Do not get pregnant (or impregnate anyone, if you’re a guy). The recovery will reveal significant internal damage. Just ride it out as best you can and keep people around you who love you and will tell you the truth, even when you don’t want to hear it.
And when it ends, the comedown is brutal. Start asking around for the names of good therapists now. Go in for an initial consultation and get on the schedule.
And this is by far the most important part: DO NOT HIDE FROM GOD. You may be so ashamed, you can’t even look in the mirror. You may be so paralyzed by guilt that you can’t even crawl to Him, much less run. Just look up and cry out. He is waiting, a breath away. He has saved you and He will continue to save you. His blood shed on the cross runs warm and it still covers you. He’s not mad at you. He hasn’t rejected you. You are still His. Go Home.
It may take a while to undo the damage. There will probably be scars. But as you’re healing, just keep reminding yourself that this period of time does not define you. It is not who you are. It was who you were in a season of extreme blinding pain. Accept the life-saving grace and graciously accept the consequences.
I’ll stay with you, if you’ll let me. If not, I’ll see you on the other side.
As I said before, you may experience this yourself someday, God forbid. But if it’s not you, it’ll be someone close to you. So consider yourself basically educated about PDBD, and be ready to stand in the gap for your friend, whether they want you to or not. Don’t abandon them or reject them. They’re not a lost cause. Stand your ground, pray without ceasing, remind them who they are every chance you get, and love them hard. In most cases, the spell will eventually break with a bloody crash. As they start to come to and begin to survey the damage done, the shame and regret will be suffocating. Have your speech ready and point them right back to Jesus.
He’ll take it from there.
