I remember when I was a little girl, my dad was forever trying to make his girls tough. You can’t blame him. He was outnumbered by a wife and three daughters. If he didn’t preach from the ‘be tough’ soapbox, somebody would probably be crying all the time.
So we went hunting and fishing and horseback riding and camping. We learned to pee outside at an early age. Squealing at bugs or snakes or worms was generally unacceptable. We helped clean the fish and skin the kill so we wouldn’t faint at the sight of blood.
One line comes back to me as I think about our many outdoor adventures. If we came across any critter that spooked us (snake, raccoon, gator, whatever), Dad would say, “Look. He’s just as scared of you as you are of him.” And said critter would usually let us know that with the rattle of a tail, a growl or a hiss. It was only scary because it was scared.
Over the years, I’ve realized that people are no different.
Fear runs the world, my friends. I know God runs the world and He is bigger than fear. MUCH bigger. But fear is loud and most of us are buying its bluff.
I’m still in the process of discovering how pervasive this issue is and there seems to be no end to its power. And the more of it I find in my life, the more I hate it.
Nearly every negative action or feeling stems from fear. And most of us have no idea how consumed with it we are. It’s so ingrained in our subconscious that we move through our lives at a stifling level of emotional self-preservation that is slowly suffocating our souls.
Most of us are lucky enough to not fear for our lives on a daily basis. Most of us are not in a state of struggling for physical safety. So what are we so afraid of?
Each other.
We’re afraid we won’t be heard. So we yell. We threaten. We manipulate. We guilt. We blame. We demand attention (even if it’s bad attention).
We’re afraid of being taken advantage of. So we fight for our rights. We posture. We jockey for position. We control. We yell some more.
We’re afraid of losing the comparison game. So we gossip. We undermine. We backstab. We betray confidences. We judge.
We’re afraid for others to see us fail. So we don’t try. We don’t learn. We don’t take risks. We don’t chase dreams. We stay grumpy and creatively constipated.
Brad and I were watching a movie the other night. It was the old premise of the controlling, mean wife and the beat-down, resentful husband. We see it on TV, we see it in movies and we see it in each other.
“How does that happen?” I asked Brad.
“What?”
“The wife is all mean and yelling all the time and the husband just takes it. Why does he just take it?”
Brad sighed. “He’s afraid. He’s just wants peace so he tries to give her what she wants so she’ll stop yelling.”
“Well, why can’t he just say, ‘You know what? I hate the way you’re talking to me right now’?”
“Because then she’ll get louder and threaten to leave. And he’s a good guy and doesn’t want to break up his family.”
I pondered that for a moment.
“Wonder why she yells,” I thought out loud.
Brad shrugged.
I answered my own question. “She’s afraid too.”
He considered that, and nodded. “Yep, she’s afraid of not being heard. Of being taken advantage of. They’re both afraid.”
I looked at him. “Everyone’s afraid.”
And we are. We really are.
Brad and I don’t have the mean-wife/beat-down-husband issue, but we’ve got plenty of others. I’ll tell you about them another time. Maybe.
But I can tell you this: They’re all based in fear.
The more relationships I have, the more social situations I’m in, the more amazing people I meet, the more I am absolutely convinced that Satan’s greatest victory is keeping us all afraid of each other.
If we’re afraid, we won’t connect. If we don’t connect, our witness for Christ is stunted. And the moment we realize we don’t have to fear each other anymore, we will become an unstoppable force for the Kingdom.
No, no, no. Satan has to keep our walls up, our hearts guarded, our minds suspicious. And he convinces us that we’re safer that way.
“But I’m afraid of getting hurt again,” you say (I say, we all say).
Guess what. You will. I promise you will. You will most definitely get hurt again. By your spouse, by your family, by your friends, by your enemies. Will it suck? Yes. Will you die? No.
Guess what else. You’ll get hurt again whether you keep your guard up or not. We all function somewhere on the spectrum of self-protection. Has that kept you safe? Has it helped at all? Have you been protected from getting hurt?
I didn’t think so.
Here’s the truth: They will all happen. We won’t be heard. We will be taken advantage of. We will lose the comparison game. We will fail in front of others. And we will get hurt again.
We’re just a bunch of broken people crashing into each other, doing the best we can. Broken people break people. Hurt people hurt people. Sometimes on purpose. Sometimes by accident.
So where did all this fear of relationships come from? All the way back to Genesis 3. The very first sin arguably came out of fear that God wasn’t good and was holding out on Eve. So she and Adam blew it and they did what all scared people do. They hid. And then they blamed.
Knowing full well what had happened, our loving, ever-pursuing, ever-seeking God called out, “Where are you?” (v. 9).
“I heard You in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid” (v. 10).
Naked and afraid. Vulnerable. Uncovered. Unprotected. Busted.
Scared of God. And scared of each other.
Now let’s remember: Fear is not a sin. It’s not wrong to be afraid. What’s wrong is letting fear be the deciding factor in our relationships, letting fear have the last word.
There are a zillion quotes from a zillion different wise people saying in a zillion different ways that courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being afraid and doing it anyway.
Reaching out anyway.
Taking the risk anyway.
Loving anyway.
Fear doesn’t look good on anybody. Fear makes you mean. Fear makes you weak. Fear paralyzes you. Fear cripples you. Fear overwhelms you. Fight, flight or freeze. None of those are great options.
Okay, so now what? We’re all afraid of each other. What do we do? What’s the solution?
There are three Sunday School answers that always work: Jesus, God and love.
First John 4:7-16 says basically this:
Love one another, for love comes from God. It’s not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. If we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. We know that we live in Him and He lives in us because He has given us His Spirit. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them. God is love.
And for the win, verse 18: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.”
Love wins. I’m not getting into a theological pissing contest regarding the final judgment and eternity and who gets in and who doesn’t. I’m saying right here, right now, in this life, on this earth, between one soul and another: Love freakin’ wins.
Not just random worldly love. Not the generic Beatles All-You-Need-Is-Love love. Not romantic love. The love of God. The love that IS God. Love incarnate.
To summarize: God is love. As Christians, God is in us. Therefore, His love is in us. We are equipped to push back fear. We have the ability to exercise HIS love. And love trumps fear. Every. Time.
Next time you’re wrestling with a negative feeling toward someone, push pause and see if you can track down the fear behind it. What is it? Fear that you’ll get bulldozed? Fear that you won’t be heard? Fear that you’ll get hurt again? Fear of being misunderstood? Fear that they may not love you after all? Fear that maybe they shouldn’t anyway?
The old habits will say raise the walls. Pull away. Accuse. Blame. Rattle the tail. But ‘the most excellent way’ in 1 Corinthians 13 will say otherwise.
Breathe. Apply God’s love to your own heart first. Don’t just kick around the cliché idea that God loves you. Let it cover you and fill every crack and broken place. Feel it all the way down to your toes. His wild, crazy, immeasurable, inseparable, eternal, unearnable, undeserved love.
Then look back at the situation. Is the other party just as scared of you as you are of them? Your fear may still be lingering, but love has it under control.
Fear asks the questions. Love answers.
Take off your armor. Let God love you so you can love others. Then love hard. Love well. Love fearlessly.
This is the most excellent way.
